As a wholly man of the clothes, it has been my pleasure, nay joy, nay rapture, to share with you all that I hear through the little curtain in my confessional. I even sometimes tell you what I can see. This has not been a lot recently, because those Sisters of Mersey they are not departed or gone, ( just like Leonard Cohen said. Some would say he sang those words, but I am staying with said), and they keep repairing each and every little hole that gets poked through the fabric by the clumsy cleaning staff, and my pinky.
I have heard your pleas for a working diet, and through prayer and kneeling you have learned that all good things come to pass or quite close to it. Action, I say unto you, speaks louder than words. I am shouting this, because all the wholly blokes who I have heard saying this saying, have to shout it in case the stupidity of it falls on deaf ears. If you had deaf ears would you care if someone was shouting "Action" as if you were about to chase Charlatan Hesston in a chariot? Of course not! You would first check that your Western Costumes Roman gear was showing just the right amount of tanned thigh, and that your sandals were correctly fastened, and that if some of your undies were indeed exposed in the climactic finish, that they were clean enough to make your Mum proud. You would just look at them with your deaf ears... oops no... You would look at them with your bovine eyes, as if to say "I am sure it is something very important that you are saying, but you need not shout at me, and spit all over the movie set, because I am a deaf Roman chariot rider, and if you push me too hard, I will crash my chariot before the climactic scene, and make Charlatan flip off his chariot and expose the fact that he is wearing less than the most manly underwear required for a chariot rider". "And his sandals don't match", I can hear you saying as an aside. I can hear you because the Radisson in Aspin has very thin walls, and I am of course now feeling extremely grateful that you are not the manic German couple, who haunt Australian hotels when famous Scottish comedians cannot sleep.
I have heard of your minor successes with the diet, and have concluded that the only way to lose weight and quit smoking at the same time is through my SPIRITUAL HEALING.
If you were feeling particularly bitter bout being a deaf mute, (like most rock and roll musicians feel after the concert), then you could throw in "AND I refuse to ride that close to that herbivorous four legged beast of burden, if you keep feeding it vegetables, onions, beans and straw". This scares the director, as he suddenly realizes that you are in the union and know about horses and a bit about the bible too.
I have heard of your minor successes with the diet, and have concluded that the only way to lose weight and quit smoking at the same time is through my SPIRITUAL HEALING. On this diet is possible to remain seated in front of a computer all day, and exercise is totally unnecessary. I can hear you saying to yourself "Uh Oh the father is losing his mine" or "This sounds tempting to me".
Well for less than $100 (a dollar less actually). For $99 I can show you how to quit smoking, AND lose 99 pounds without doing any exercise. It is called Father Down’s Miracle Diet. Upon receipt of your money order or cash, if you are too lazy to go and buy a money order, I will send you my miracle diet. You will need a buddy on this diet, or someone to help you to at least get started.
The cement starter will be rushed to you by UPS. All you need to do is add water. Then have your buddy, husband, friend, even someone you like, position you face upwards on the lawn or in the back yard. After adding 2 parts water to every 7 oz. of my miracle cement, have them carefully pour the mix directly into your opened mouth. Quickly bite your teeth together, making sure that you haven't accidentally saved a potato or a pound of Cadbury's Dairy Milk chocolates in there, and just wait the 5 minutes for my miracle to begin working.
I know many of you were not fully satisfied with my last diet miracle, The Miracle Stop smoking and lose 99 pounds Patch. I agree that it was an over the counter stop smoking patch, but I dare you to find anyone at the manufacturers, who had the brilliant idea of placing the patch over the mouth, GUARANTEEING NO SMOKING AND IMMEDIATE WEIGHT LOSS GAINS.
On this diet is possible to remain seated in front of a computer all day, and exercise is totally unnecessary.
The State Bored of California have asked me to stop using the words loss and gains in the same sentence, which causes me to doubt they know what they are doing, and I bet they are all in need of so immediate weight loss gains themselves.
You, helped by me, your wholly spiritual guide Father Down, and aided and abetted by my able staff of Dr. NoOne (Registered dietician), Reverend Sung Long (Financial Advice), and Fifi (dusting and ironing), The Mighty Nooniah (Tither), Farquar (Towel flipper) we are able to provide you with a full service, including diet, spiritual, mental, medical and family health care, and even have a department to teach you which Herman's Hermits CD's and Collectibles you haven't got yet. Why? Why you ask? Because we care.
I speak for us all when I say quite confidently this time, "You will definitely lose weight, and quit smoking, without ANY exercise being necessary, with my Miracle Weight Loss, Spiritual Healing, and Wholly refundable unless you are completely satisfied, and are not sneaking stuff into your gob with the use of a straw.
—😇 Father D.
Susan Bickford
February 20, 2024
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